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Times of deep loneliness......
Aug. 2nd, 2006 01:38 amA few weeks ago, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cadhla posted something about National Cheer Up the Lonely Day. And today, another LJ-friend lamented about a friend who was falling away from her.
I've had that happen in my life, more often than I care to count. I've had friends who drifted away from me over time. I always wrote it off as "we drifted apart", since that's how it seems to happen. The contact becomes less and less frequent, and soon, there's no contact whatsoever.
I noticed that I'm usually the one to initiate contact with people, either by phone or saying hello, and that gets tiresome. It seems like the only ones who call me are bill collectors, wondering when they're going to get paid.
I still remember a painful experience in 7th grade. At lunchtime, I tried to sit with some of my classmates, and they kept saying "Goodbye, Jim." They didn't want me around. At my 10-year reunion, I asked one of them why they did that. He told me, "You were a jackass."
I've learned to live by "vampire rules" -- I don't go where I'm not invited -- as a matter of survival. I surrounded myself with material things, which gave me something to pass the time and to wall myself in (and others out).
And yes, it's damned lonely at times.
Some days I wonder if I have any friends, or if they're all surface-level acquaintances. (Deep down, I know I do, but they're often not around.)
I look at my LJ-friends list, and see that I have 56 people on the list that haven't friended me in return. Why not? Do they not know me very well? Do they not *want* to know me? Or do they choose to not reciprocate? (And yes, I realize this is a poor metric for friendship.)
I avoid making friends at work, since after one of us leaves the job, the friendship ends. That's been my experience.
If only people knew the deep sadness that lurks behind these brown eyes of mine.
cadhla posted something about National Cheer Up the Lonely Day. And today, another LJ-friend lamented about a friend who was falling away from her.I've had that happen in my life, more often than I care to count. I've had friends who drifted away from me over time. I always wrote it off as "we drifted apart", since that's how it seems to happen. The contact becomes less and less frequent, and soon, there's no contact whatsoever.
I noticed that I'm usually the one to initiate contact with people, either by phone or saying hello, and that gets tiresome. It seems like the only ones who call me are bill collectors, wondering when they're going to get paid.
I still remember a painful experience in 7th grade. At lunchtime, I tried to sit with some of my classmates, and they kept saying "Goodbye, Jim." They didn't want me around. At my 10-year reunion, I asked one of them why they did that. He told me, "You were a jackass."
I've learned to live by "vampire rules" -- I don't go where I'm not invited -- as a matter of survival. I surrounded myself with material things, which gave me something to pass the time and to wall myself in (and others out).
And yes, it's damned lonely at times.
Some days I wonder if I have any friends, or if they're all surface-level acquaintances. (Deep down, I know I do, but they're often not around.)
I look at my LJ-friends list, and see that I have 56 people on the list that haven't friended me in return. Why not? Do they not know me very well? Do they not *want* to know me? Or do they choose to not reciprocate? (And yes, I realize this is a poor metric for friendship.)
I avoid making friends at work, since after one of us leaves the job, the friendship ends. That's been my experience.
If only people knew the deep sadness that lurks behind these brown eyes of mine.
